As the sun sets on New Year’s Eve, I see hope for tomorrow

As per my post earlier this month, most people will understand that this time of year is very difficult for me and trying to cope with Christmas festivities without Abi is something I (and my family) have again had to bear and get through.

New Year’s Eve is equally painful. I don’t even want to wish others a happy New Year as it feels so hard to say when I feel such grief that Abi isn’t here with us. I want to turn off all the social media updates. But I do wish us all not just a happy new year but a joyful one. One where we can all, despite our various problems and sorrows, see some joy in our lives this year.

So I don’t want to end this year by writing again about how sad I am, how hard I’m finding all this and how guilty I feel for laughing and crying… I want to share a chink of hope, and that hope comes in the form of a sunset.

wpid-img_20141009_182934.jpgThe world seems to be a mixed-up place, I suppose it always has been. A striking sunset does not stop death, illness or war. It does not put food on the table, pay the bills, or stop us from coming down with ‘flu…

Scientifically speaking, a sunset is just air, clouds, lights floating together, yet, like a rainbow, a beautiful sunset is something remarkable to behold, if you really look. I see God and the hope of a new day in every one.

I don’t know why bad things happen to innocent people. I don’t know why we have to suffer so much in this life and watch others suffering. But I do know that God is good, and this world is an utterly amazing place.

Having hope doesn’t change grief, it certainly doesn’t make my grief ‘better’, but though my mind is deeply troubled because I have lost so much in my life that I love, and I sadly know many others who have too, this world still turns. This year will roll into the next like the sunrise leads on to the sunset.

I wanted to capture tonight’s beautiful sky as this thought came to me… on 31st December 2014. I have amazing views of the sky on my way to the riding stables where my daughter has lessons, just minutes from my house.

I walked around the lane to find a decent view….

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…I thought I’d missed my chance to capture it… but look what I saw when I turned the corner! No cropping, no filters, just the view as it was. Pure gold! A path like any other, but with a golden light leading to tomorrow.

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I don’t want it to be another year without Abi. From tomorrow, I can no longer say ‘my daughter died last year’, which felt at least close enough to still mean something more than ‘the woman whose daughter died a few years back’. But I know that, in reality, the numbers don’t matter, what matters is how I live each day and that I can live each day in the comfort of our fortunate country, and with the spirit of Abi ever with me.

God bless you all this year, next year and always. And perhaps remember, even though tomorrow might not be much better than today, it can always bring hope in some way.

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11 thoughts on “As the sun sets on New Year’s Eve, I see hope for tomorrow

  1. Gosh, you are incredible. I wish you all the strength for the new year. I love the golden path that you have captured; simply breathtaking. Much love, Ali xx

  2. your story captures my heart among the pain and sorrow you carry and so many others shall also be on this journey too. It is the time we all reflect on our loved ones especially a child who ic no longer here with us. The light we all find at the end of the darkness is a light of hope which we all follow to reach the peace we search for how long each one takes to find, it has no race to reach the end. For no one wishes to leave their child behind for another year to pass by without them with us. Everyones Grief is their own how we all cope in our own individual ways is amazing but somehow we get there. It took myself a long time to realise there is no need for me to leave my child behind each year wich we pass for he travels with me held within my heart.
    I think of you all.
    Author of HOLDING BACK THE TEARS

  3. I found the New a Year much harder than any of the other “firsts” so far
    Still trying to figure out how to move forward without leaving Aidan behind
    Your photograph was beautiful if I struggle to find the golden path I hope my children have the strength to still we a bright future
    Peace and Joy in the New Year

    1. I agree Krista, the first new year I cried as the clock struck midnight, like a bomb going off with the lack of control. I wanted to cling to the year that she was still alive. This year was still very hard, but the anticipation was worse. But as I was prepared for how I might react, I was kind to myself. We stayed home, watched a film, and kept our routine. New year we kissed but I didn’t cry like I thought I would. I’m trying to not get hung up on dates as I feel Abi is walking alongside me every day. A new year does not mean you’re forgetting Aidan or moving on from him… just think another day closer. Much love and thanks so much for commenting xxx

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